Warning. Three things not to miss this Christmas. Posted on December 18, 2018December 21, 2018 by Dave Fenton Never mind the Twelve Days of Christmas, beware of the Twelve Daze of Christmas. Because that’s what it can all too easily become. A blur of advertising messages, busyness, and meeting the expectations of others can swamp us. And ‘it’s all over before you know it. This can be especially true for those of us who’ve been around long enough to now be active and retired. Automatic pilot kicks in. Been there. Done that. Bought the Christmas jumper. So here’s a little check list of three things we ought not to miss. Or, to put it another way, here’s some opportunities to grab with both hands. 1.Don’t miss those who are lonely You’ll be hearing it on the radio and in the shops –that big past Christmas hit –‘Do they know its Christmas time at all?’ One of the most evocative lines of any Christmas number one reminds us that far too many will be adrift from the joy and friendship that’s wrapped up in the Christmas season. Indeed, Christmas is the time the reality of loneliness can be painfully magnified when, seemingly, everybody else is having the time of their lives. All of which provokes the question, ‘What small part can you play to reduce the experience of loneliness for just one person?’ The answer will be different for each of us. But can we do something? For my own family, some of the best times have been when we have had an unexpected visitor with us. Like the Moroccan student who understood little of the meaning of Christmas and was even more confused when we went outside and threw snow at each other. 2.Don’t miss those who are hurting Christmas has a way of stirring up painful memories for those now missing someone they love. If a bereavement is recent then this is understandable and we’ll be taking account. But it can equally be true for anyone facing a stark reminder that someone dear to them is not round the table. It takes older and wiser heads to look out for the signs of pain. And a caring heart to come alongside and ‘be there’ for them. Who better than an after-worker – with their eyes and listening ears open – to respond. However, a loved-one’s absence is not the only possible cause for hurt during the Christmas season. My most poignant Christmas memory was at our Christmas market when a man in a wheelchair said ‘I’m here to buy my wife her last Christmas present I’ll ever buy’. Knowing he was terminally ill, he wanted his wife to have a memory. We took time to talk and pray with him. And now we see him as a constant reminder of the people to look out for. Of all the wonders of Christmas, the most important thing for me is the people. And it is surely a time to look beyond the comfort and security of our homes and realise there is still a huge world of need out there. 3.Don’t miss the meaning of the season This brings me back to my ‘automatic pilot’ concern. Those in the early stages of retirement can often have more responsibilities to distract them rather than less – children, grandchildren and even their parents. That makes it hard – but even more important – to find some space to reflect. What better way than to wrap our minds round that profound Charles Wesley carol which has a sermon in every line. Here it comes –to mull on and enjoy for the wonderful truths it carries. I’ve made some suggestions as to thoughts and responses you might have. Hark the herald angels sing Glory to the new born king Worship is due to the son of God Peace on earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled Pray for peace and new life for those who do not know Jesus Christ by highest heaven adored Christ the everlasting Lord Late in time behold him come Offspring of the virgin’s womb A brilliant description of the real Jesus Veiled in flesh the godhead see Hail the incarnate deity Jesus is both man and God Pleased as man with man to dwell Jesus our Emmanuel The living Word came and dwelt among us Mild he lays his glory by Born that man no more may die Born to raise the sons of earth Born to give them second birth From glory he came to give us new life in him Here’s to a happy, caring and Christ-centred Christmas. Dave Fenton Dave is a retired clergyman spending his after-work time lecturing at Moorlands College, building relationships and sharing his faith at his local golf club, and escaping to a cliff-top caravan in Cornwall where his seven grandchildren enjoy the local surfing beach. What way have you found to make Christmas special for others? Please share here or with our Facebook group.
Want to get closer to your grandchildren? Try these 5 simple ways. Posted on November 30, 2018December 3, 2018 by Celia Bowring Grandchildren come in all shapes and sizes. And you want to build the closest possible relationship with them. But how? Here are 6 simple ways to bridge the gap without sounding like you know it all or come from planet Zog. Try them. You have nothing to lose. Ask the right questions. We all enjoy talking about ourselves and kids are no exception. But you need to ask questions that go beyond the bland ‘So how’s school?’ to get below the surface.The ‘right questions’ lead to understanding what makes them different and special. And mean they know you’re genuinely interested and care.Do it well and in answer to your questions you’ll discover information about their best friend, their favourite room, their first memory, what frightens them, which children’s tv character they’d like to be, their favourite meal, what makes them happy – and sad, what makes them laugh, what they think they are best at, if they had a shop what they would sell, what’s the best food ever, what superpower they would like, their best joke, and more.Of course, this all involves making time to listen – which is one of the greatest gifts anyone can offer to a person of any age. And such conversations should never be forced or rushed. The child chooses whether to tell you stuff and it may take patience to wait for that privilege. Listen in depth. Don’t fall into the trap of asking questions and then not truly listening to the answers. That’s the listening equivalent of turning several pages over at once when reading to them!Grandchildren will know you are listening if you repeat back what you have heard them say and then dig a little deeper. Sometimes the very best next question is ‘why’ because it can take the conversation to a deeper level. And be prepared to listen to a lot of chatter that may bore you but enthrals them! Tell them your story. Getting closer is a two way process. So offer them the opportunity to ask their questions about you. And take the opportunity to delight them by telling then your own story.They’d love to know your own answers to the questions that you asked them; especially tales from your childhood and teenage years. Better still, dig out some very old photographs to bring it all to life. The role of grandparents is not the same as for parents. That gives us extra leeway to be understanding of their faults and mistakes – though not in a way that undermines the discipline and standards of their parents.What you may be able to contribute from time to time is a story of something from your past that relates to the child’s experience. These times might offer opportunities to talk about the virtues of courage, honesty, forgiveness, creative problem-solving, kindness and hard work. Believe in them. Praise and encouragement are priceless gifts to any child. It’s good to be positive about what they achieve – but even more so if that reinforces qualities you admire about them.Keep your eyes open for the positive things they do, asking God to make you aware. And then, over time, you can sow seeds and nurture the precious potential that lies within them. Be sure to express this genuine appreciation wherever you can. It will help to build the confidence that is supremely important for children, especially those who lack a strong sense of self-worth or have particular difficulties or disabilities. Hang on in there. Life has its ups and downs and grandchildren will have their own experiences of that – as will you most probably will in your relationship with them. There may be times when it’s not possible to see each other so often, situations they get into that make you feel anxious, disappointed, let down.But whether all is going swimmingly well or there are tensions don’t give up on your responsibility to be an example of faithful unconditional love – whatever that looks like for each child at every stage of their lives. And, of course, above all else, pray for them. For more practical insight on being a grandparent, see the AfterWorkNet webpages at Grand parenting. What questions have you asked your grandchildren that have opened your eyes and deepened your relationships? Please share them here. Celia Bowring Celia isn’t retired yet – although she’s recently changed from being office-based to working from home, so working out her own use of time. Celia writes the CARE Prayer Diary along with many other resources. She also chairs Pray for Schools. And loves being a hands-on grandmother! Have you joined our Facebook group yet? It’s a great way to share the journey with other after-workers.
Sex in your 70’s – really? Perhaps, with these 6 things in mind. Posted on October 30, 2018November 2, 2018 by Dianne Parsons Even if we’ve hit a certain age and stage in life, sexual intimacy can still happen for many married couples. It need not be just be something to look back on with a nostalgic smile. If that sounds like a challenge or even offers some hope, here are six encouragements about having a fulfilling sex life into our seventies… and beyond! 1.It doesn’t have to be like it was. A woman asked her husband to come upstairs and make love. With a sigh, he replied, ‘Darling these days I can do one or the other, not both!’ Now you’re no longer in the fresh flush of youth and sexual intimacy, think about focusing on gentle affection rather than passion and incredible physical and emotional experience. Romantic words, touching, kissing, and other intimate contact can be fulfilling and rewarding. 2.Physical affection is good for your health Apparently, an active sex life can increase life expectancy. It’s good exercise, releases endorphins and reduces anxiety. If it involves emotional wellbeing and closeness that’s good too. Touch is very important to our sense of wellbeing and hugs make us all feel better. 3.If one of you used to be keener on sex than the other, have the courage to gently raise this issue It’s not unusual – perhaps for women more than men – to quite honestly feel relieved if their spouse is winding down on wanting to make love, for one reason or another. But sex in later life could be a whole new departure, maybe less focused on needs and more about appreciation and enjoyment of each other’s love. 4.It’s OK if parts of you no longer work as well as they used to. Enjoying sexual intimacy doesn’t have to include intercourse Feelings of inadequacy and not believing we’re sexy any more should be thought through and openly shared – with as much humour as possible. Aging means our bodies change in many ways – both men and women may find physical intimacy and climax a challenge. Talk about it! There may be remedies to discomfort and disfunction. Or alternative ways to express your physical love to one another. 5.Making love well ideally starts way before you get to the bedroom Two songs from the past: The Beatles ‘Will you still need me when I’m 64?’ They thought 64 was impossibly old in those days! And ‘You don’t bring me flowers any more’. Why not? It is such a sure way of making your wife feel good and there are plenty of male equivalents too, if your husband’s not that bothered about flowers. And there will are so many expressions of affection and tenderness whether its simply holding handsor some other gesture to make the one we love feel cherished. 6.There’s loads of confidential, understanding help out there if you need it. The good news is that there’s ample help available for both men and women who have issues about sexual activity, physical or emotional . Google is often the first resort. A good GP also knows what can be done about a whole range of difficulties; illness, disability, the effect of medicines, too much alcohol, anxiety over ‘performance’, surgery, low self-esteem and concerns about body image. But the first step is an honest acceptance of need and some equally honest conversations with each other. In a nutshell The key to resolving or at least finding a level of intimacy you can both live with is to talk about it – first with each other and if necessary with a qualified counsellor. It can be a difficult subject to broach, even after many years of marriage. But it is nothing like as difficult as living with an increasing sense of distance and even resentment. Be kind – if things are not the way one of you would like, remember that ‘for better for worse’ line. A little understanding and TLC can go a long way. Get help if there is a problem in this area. Sex is an important part of marriage and we need to try to understand how our partner is feeling. And there are many couples who have rediscovered a sexual relationship that they assumed was gone forever. And perhaps the best bit of advice is something that’s relevant whatever age we are and however long we have been married. It is that that love-making starts with expressions of affection a long way from the bedroom. For more on marriage in your active years of retirement do see AfterWorkNet’s webpages on the subject. Just go here. Dianne Parsons – Care for the Family Dianne has been an integral part of Care for the Family’s ministry over many years, alongside husband Rob, and speaking and writing with great empathy for women about marriage and family life. Do you have something to share on this sensitive subject? Do share it here.
It’s an epidemic it would not cost a penny to solve – loneliness. And you could be the medicine. Posted on September 26, 2018September 27, 2018 by Dave Fenton I’ve blogged before about the ‘Elinor Rigby’ epidemic of loneliness that’s doing such damage today. It’s the cause of millions of mostly elderly people being deprived of human contact for days on end – leading to poor health, depression and shortened lives. In the past I’ve focused on the opportunity for churches to respond. But churches are made up of individuals – like you – who could do so much to bring joy and warmth to someone who is lonely. Who are those in need? Official UK figures say some 9 million people are lonely. This includes – About half a million people are often going for more than a week without seeing anybody. About 200,000 older people have not spoken to a friend or relative in more than a month. Many of those receiving regular visits from care workers get no more than 15 minutes of their time – with a survey showing 500,000 pensioners received visits so brief that staff didn’t even speak to them. All it takes is a little of your time This epidemic would not cost a penny to solve. It just needs the time of those who care – even just an hour a week. The need is for troops on the ground. Those who care enough and with time enough to each play a part. And those no longer in fulltime employment have a God-given opportunity to step up. If every ‘retired and active’ person found just one lonely person to visit, the love of Christ could be shared with many who are feeling that life has lost a lot of its meaning. How to get started? Here are 5 simple ways – Seek out a lonely person in your street or nearby Talk to your church leaders about elderly church members in need of visitors Contact nearby retirement homes, asking if there are those who seldom have visitors Check with your local services to see what needs you could meet Contact agencies like Age Concern and offer to visit those known to them Simple ways to get it right To make the most of your time that will mean so much to a lonely person here are things to keep in mind – Relationships take time to develop trust and openness. So don’t be surprised if your Initial approaches may be tense and difficult. The person you are visiting may be depressed as this can result from a lack of human contact. No two elderly people are the same. Some may find conversation difficult. Others could talk for England. If they are expecting a visit, make sure you turn up. Get them to tell their story. Don’t expect them to remember every detail of your last conversation – or even your name. Take your grandchildren with you. A recent TV documentary revealed the benefit of elderly people being with children regularly. Be careful about what you offer. An occasional cake is fine but don’t be over-lavish and so create wrong expectations. There’s something in it for you too Our faith is built on relationship to God – and also on relationships with others. It’s easy for our circle to become closed – the faithful who gather with us every Sunday. Here’s the opportunity to open it out – and be enriched yourself in the process. For an overview of the loneliness issue please see our web page on The Lonely. David Fenton Dave is a retired clergyman spending his after-work time lecturing at Moorlands College, building relationships and sharing his faith at his local golf club, and escaping to a cliff-top caravan in Cornwall where his seven grandchildren enjoy the local surfing beach. Do you have an experience about visiting someone who is lonely? Do share it here or on our Facebook group.
