Sex in your 70’s – really? Perhaps, with these 6 things in mind. Posted on October 30, 2018November 2, 2018 by Dianne Parsons Even if we’ve hit a certain age and stage in life, sexual intimacy can still happen for many married couples. It need not be just be something to look back on with a nostalgic smile. If that sounds like a challenge or even offers some hope, here are six encouragements about having a fulfilling sex life into our seventies… and beyond! 1.It doesn’t have to be like it was. A woman asked her husband to come upstairs and make love. With a sigh, he replied, ‘Darling these days I can do one or the other, not both!’ Now you’re no longer in the fresh flush of youth and sexual intimacy, think about focusing on gentle affection rather than passion and incredible physical and emotional experience. Romantic words, touching, kissing, and other intimate contact can be fulfilling and rewarding. 2.Physical affection is good for your health Apparently, an active sex life can increase life expectancy. It’s good exercise, releases endorphins and reduces anxiety. If it involves emotional wellbeing and closeness that’s good too. Touch is very important to our sense of wellbeing and hugs make us all feel better. 3.If one of you used to be keener on sex than the other, have the courage to gently raise this issue It’s not unusual – perhaps for women more than men – to quite honestly feel relieved if their spouse is winding down on wanting to make love, for one reason or another. But sex in later life could be a whole new departure, maybe less focused on needs and more about appreciation and enjoyment of each other’s love. 4.It’s OK if parts of you no longer work as well as they used to. Enjoying sexual intimacy doesn’t have to include intercourse Feelings of inadequacy and not believing we’re sexy any more should be thought through and openly shared – with as much humour as possible. Aging means our bodies change in many ways – both men and women may find physical intimacy and climax a challenge. Talk about it! There may be remedies to discomfort and disfunction. Or alternative ways to express your physical love to one another. 5.Making love well ideally starts way before you get to the bedroom Two songs from the past: The Beatles ‘Will you still need me when I’m 64?’ They thought 64 was impossibly old in those days! And ‘You don’t bring me flowers any more’. Why not? It is such a sure way of making your wife feel good and there are plenty of male equivalents too, if your husband’s not that bothered about flowers. And there will are so many expressions of affection and tenderness whether its simply holding handsor some other gesture to make the one we love feel cherished. 6.There’s loads of confidential, understanding help out there if you need it. The good news is that there’s ample help available for both men and women who have issues about sexual activity, physical or emotional . Google is often the first resort. A good GP also knows what can be done about a whole range of difficulties; illness, disability, the effect of medicines, too much alcohol, anxiety over ‘performance’, surgery, low self-esteem and concerns about body image. But the first step is an honest acceptance of need and some equally honest conversations with each other. In a nutshell The key to resolving or at least finding a level of intimacy you can both live with is to talk about it – first with each other and if necessary with a qualified counsellor. It can be a difficult subject to broach, even after many years of marriage. But it is nothing like as difficult as living with an increasing sense of distance and even resentment. Be kind – if things are not the way one of you would like, remember that ‘for better for worse’ line. A little understanding and TLC can go a long way. Get help if there is a problem in this area. Sex is an important part of marriage and we need to try to understand how our partner is feeling. And there are many couples who have rediscovered a sexual relationship that they assumed was gone forever. And perhaps the best bit of advice is something that’s relevant whatever age we are and however long we have been married. It is that that love-making starts with expressions of affection a long way from the bedroom. For more on marriage in your active years of retirement do see AfterWorkNet’s webpages on the subject. Just go here. Dianne Parsons – Care for the Family Dianne has been an integral part of Care for the Family’s ministry over many years, alongside husband Rob, and speaking and writing with great empathy for women about marriage and family life. Do you have something to share on this sensitive subject? Do share it here.
Don’t let retirement scupper your marriage – the 3 top tips for staying afloat. Posted on August 9, 2018August 15, 2018 by Dianne Parsons It’s a massive step to move from hardly seeing each other most daytimes to now being under each other’s feet. Indeed, legions of women – please forgive the stereotype – have been known to mutter between clenched teeth ‘Is he never going out?!!’ That may not be the whole story behind the growing divorce rate among the over 65s. But the very existence of such a trend indicates the challenge retirement can bring to a marriage. That means, when it comes to your own experience of retirement, you dare not be blind to its impact on others. Which is especially true of your life partner. This is no time for a solo voyage, oblivious to the way your new role may be creating waves for our most significant ‘other’. As the saying goes, ‘no man – or woman – is an island’. Our lives are entwined. That’s why those closest to you will have expectations, like – ‘she’ll have more time to spend with me’. And fears – ‘he’ll be under my feet all day’. With so much at stake, here are 3 top tips to help you sail rather than sink. 1. Talk it through! Some couples find situations like this – when major change is involved – fairly easy to work out. Meanwhile, others only get there after an explosion of built-up frustration. Whichever it may be for you in your relationship, a planned ‘let’s talk this through’ session – perhaps over a meal – is where to start. On the agenda would be items like – Smaller stuff: How are changes in my life going to impact you? What hopes do you have for us when/now I’m retired? What concerns do you have – and what would you like me to do about them? What might we now be able to do together that we couldn’t before? How best can we both find our space, how much time do we want to be apart? Which household chores and responsibilities should now be reassigned? Big stuff: How best can we look out for each other? What new adventures/experiences could we share? What should be on our bucket list? 2. Give each other space The biggest issue to impact your relationship is likely to be the ‘getting under each other’s feet’ one. When something like 200 days a year of being apart comes to a sudden or even a gradual end, readjustment can be a challenge. Of course, what the Bible says is true; ‘It is not good for a man or woman to be alone’. But that’s not meant to be every waking moment. Because of this it would be wise to: Work at developing and enjoying your own individual interests and friendships as well as those you share. Having your own identity is good for you both and will enrich your marriage. Establish separate spaces for each of you at home. There is great wisdom in having the equivalent of a man-shed – for both of you. This can be for anything from hobbies to TV watching. 3. Maintain communication You may well find your retirement impacts you in unexpected ways. There may be the emotional issues linked to stress or your loss of status having left the workplace behind. For more see our website under Stress and Loss of Status. When our emotions are hit, the temptation is to bottle it all up – especially for man. But that can then have an impact on your partner. These things can be hard to talk about or even own up to. But your other half deserves to know what’s going on and have the opportunity to love and support you through it. So honest conversation is vital for a safe and enjoyable voyage into the future. Dianne Parsons – Care for the Family Dianne has been an integral part of Care for the Family’s ministry over many years, alongside husband Rob, and speaking and writing with great empathy for women about marriage and family life. Have you found a way to enrich your marriage in retirement? Do share it by joining our Facebook group and signing up for our inspiring blog
